The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
the worm is coming from inside the brain
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*