the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty