the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

You Might Also Like


accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again


Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.


Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.


Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.


What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers


Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary


My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.


Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?


Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.


I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.


I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.