@kristinb5150

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

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@champ_of_yuth

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

@VerifiedDrunk

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

@richardosman

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

@Tmoney68

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

@Home_Halfway

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

@BoogTweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

@CherBear162

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

@ShittyComedian

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.