the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.