the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever