The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons