Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

respect

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Netflix: We have Less

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT