The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
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How to draw a duck
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??