@caithuls

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

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@OllyiConic

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

@Burtslorp

FB lets you write your sex in now, so I have officially become a hat.

@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

@UnFitz

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

@joci2203

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

@the_rock_chic

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

@Kyle_Lippert

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

@joeljeffrey

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out