The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
as is their right
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever