The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?