The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Why is no one talking about this?!
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.