Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult