Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

😞

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”