The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.