The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
You Might Also Like
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.