The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
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I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
so i’m at the stock market right
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*