The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
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BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar