The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?