Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

When I snag the last meatball.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.