the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?