The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.