The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
stop
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.