The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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who did the taste test?
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess