The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot