The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
But is it really??
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.