The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Good advice.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
worst…sale…ever
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?