The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
worst…sale…ever
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
