Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

White parent Vs Arab parents

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

I know

Natural selection at its finest

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.