The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?