the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
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Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.