the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
You Might Also Like
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
kevin is now a local weatherman
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.