Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.