Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma