The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*