Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time