The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
You Might Also Like
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.