The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
This is amazing.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
*Seductively hides in the woods
so much to do
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already