The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles