The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You Might Also Like
Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
found my next D&D character name
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
#milo
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
In banana years, I am bread.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.