The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You Might Also Like
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
new record!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.