The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR