The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys