The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
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*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.