The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The Book. The Movie.
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*updates tinder bio*
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Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun