It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now