Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*