The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
nyc:
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*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder