Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1185334785247330304/pu/vid/720x720/p5IpnVpLifZCLwPq.mp4?tag=10

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?