The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life isā¦
Your spouse š¤·
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this is one of the absolute funniest things hozierās ever done and i stand by that
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i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
so itās mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, itās all āhow did you even do thatā and āwhat the hellā
RSVP: āŖļøyes āŖļøno ā«ļøyes now but then no later on
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, Iām afraid of the dark
Kill me once. Iām dead.
Kill me twice. Iām a dead ghost.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat itā¦
ā¦anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Told the kids Iād give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Go home, Twitter. Youāre drunk.
ME: iāve got two problems ā iām sick with covid, and i canāt tell the difference between the words ādyingā and ādoingā
DOCTOR: these tests say youāre doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didnāt read the entire article.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasnāt listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Boss: iām taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey ā hi. *cough. dies*
Before kids: Iād choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for meā¦
āWell, I guess Iāll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit Iām not supposed to while you get irritated.ā
Drunks & toddlers.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I speak fluent hint. ā No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Yearās is truly No Manās Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i couldāve phrased that better but iāll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.