Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

I wish I were this cool 😂

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”