The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Google assistant rules
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Whisper out to librarians!
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…