The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
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If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Baking is just science you can eat.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.