The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
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WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
choose your fighter
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My time has come.
