The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me