The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
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I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Pretty much. 🤣
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing