The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
aura
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
What a year we’ve had this week.
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.