The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
mandolin: finally a violin for men
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.