My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
wtf is a larm clock?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.