The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
PLOT TWIST:
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
i was dropped as an adult
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.