@LuvPug

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

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@DadBroDad1

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

@ThisLocalHater

[Therapist’s office]
Husband: She takes everything, literally
T: What do you mean?
*Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I’m stealing*

@james_comics

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well

@swaggiestag

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

@stevevsninjas

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

@jwoodham

If you like someone, pretend they’re a charger and you’re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

@Laser_Cat

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

@lucidchemistry

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs