The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad