The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.