The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
that colleague who touches your screen
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?