Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

WTF

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

the three branches of government

Cop lights are so pretty at night

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit