Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

Incredible customer service.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house