Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.