The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
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“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks