Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.

So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??