The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?