I am man. Hear me ask my wife for permission to roar.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk