The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men