@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

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@mydmac

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

@_knuck_

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

@hythemafia

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@CountMackula

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

@LostFelicia

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

@priya_ebooks

currently texting ‘Happy Father’s Day’ to all the men in my phone to freak them out

@dorsalstream

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

@gigi_k1

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk