I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
just left a huge legacy in there
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.