“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
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A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
catch me on valentine’s day like
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I cannot stop laughing at this
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.