“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
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My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
😂 amazing answer
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”