“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
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Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
this will hang in the louvre one day
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*